3/09/2013 9:00 a.m. My Healing Journey is like a Board Game – I’m now back at START after rolling the dice and being sent to the DARK DUNGEON for three days.
I haven’t journaled since Tuesday morning but then I haven’t done much of anything since Tuesday. I feel so lost. In many ways I feel like I’ve been “gone” for more than 4 days. Trying get back into some sort of pattern and can’t even recall the first thing from my Daily Maintenance List and as I look at it now it looks foreign as though I have not seen it in a long while.
Sometimes this healing journey feels like a huge board game. We do have much control in our own lives but on any given day something unexpected lands in your lap and the “roll of the dice” sends you to a dark dungeon for 4 days and then back to START. I am familiar to this process and no longer feel as though I somehow failed although my reactions can be improved for certain events.
Interactions with my daughters for an example. Communications and harmony can be very hard when you have two people who suffer from mental condition(s). I now use these times when I fall again into that same black hole to reflect and see what can be done different. I have personal boundaries but they aren’t really common knowledge so I’ve decided to come up with reminders/tips that I’m going to put on index cards and give to those I struggle with and I will suggest that they do the same. I will be working on these and give my daughter hers. Some of them are reminders about me, for example “I am very aware that almost everything is related to my PTSD there I don’t need to be reminded by you. Any comments or opinions have already gone thru the process of trying to access any dramatization as a result of my PTSD”. An example for her “When it comes to your daughter and I make a comment or offer an opinion please know that it is with an end goal of improved health or esteem for her and therefore also you. Of course these comments may cause you to feel bad but that is not my goal and most of the things I am bringing up you are already aware of and have not forgiven yourself for” (she was in a very destruction relationship which is what caused me to take custody of the little one from Sept 2010 thru Dec 2011. The little one is talking a lot about this and is obviously trying to process). I’m finding much peace in knowing that “play therapy” will start next week.
At any rate as the fog from the last 4 days begins to lift I’m trying to bring some normalcy, routine back into my life. Especially days like today where I wake up and start to wander aimlessly around thinking of what to do next giving me a sense of order, consistency, and what comes next. It helps remove some of the chaos from a body stuck in “flight, fight, or freeze” mode.
I recently added the columns “describe” and “what did it feel like” as I saw it in my binder from one of the intensive outpatient programs I attended. I love this idea as it will help me continue to know where to “tweak” my daily living plan. I have already made adjustments. I moved “journaling” up close to the top because it seems it is when I awake that I have all these thoughts ready to come out. I also moved h “Support – Connect with others, FB Pages” farther down as it is a catch 22. I so desperately need to connect with someone in the morning but too often I am triggered by something in a negative way.
I am also very aware that I need to be making deposits to me more than once a day and am looking for things to add to wellness toolbox that are both good for me but also things I enjoy. I am so anxious for spring so I can get out there and play in the dirt. I think today is to be sunny and 50 so as I was there sitting I was feeling joy just thinking about it doing.
So here I go. Time to dig in and make it the best day I can.