Daily Journal – As outspoken as I am why is it so hard to just say NO

3/12/2013 7:00 am

Again, I haven’t journaled since Saturday morning but I’ve learned two valuable lessons.  First I’m realizing there is only a short window of time where I am able to capture what is going on with me otherwise it would just feel like a book report.

Secondly I am becoming increasingly aware of just how strong that caretaker within me is.  I know this started as a child because my brother is 5 years younger than me but I was also aware early on that I would be a voice for the voiceless.  Even in elementary school  I had no problem raising my hand if I did not understand something but I also would do then even when I did understand IF I looked around and saw puzzled faces and no hands raised.   This morning when I logged into the computer I was surprised to see I still had my FB up and saw a message from one of my favorite sites requesting prayers for he and his family and that quick I could feel this knee jerk reaction of wanting to go into fix it mode or oh let and me go see what I can do.

I have always been a very “visual person” but since I’ve been working on trying to develop my emotional intelligence I am noticing that I really have a strong desire to connect things about my past or my recovery with pictures.  I’ve gotten lost sometimes trying to create digital images from a hodgepodge of other images and I’m thinking I should really explore learning to sketch.  I have tried to paint but unfortunately while the exercise does fulfill some need the end result is not at all what is in my head.  I would not qualify it as a failure but rather it doesn’t release to see what I NEED TO SEE in the form of an image.

1:30 pm Ughh not sure when I got sidetracked but I DID and this was the result of it.

sign on door

I’m realizing that trying to disengage the caretaker is equally as hard as quieting the voice of that inner critic.  I swear if I don’t soon learn how to say that tiny little word NO …. How hard can it be to say a tiny little word with only 2 letters? … N O, but if I don’t soon learn I swear I’m going to run away from home♥ Just kidding, and YES there is always an element of honesty behind JK, but it sure felt good to say it and as soon as I figure out my official “healing hours” I’m going to hang a sign around my neck

As I was thinking about my need to see things visually it reminded of what I read recently while trying to identify all the “ego states” that live within me.

The below is a result of Sigmund Freud’s work –

The id is driven by the pleasure principle, which strives for immediate gratification of all desires, wants, and needs. If these needs are not satisfied immediately, the result is a state anxiety or tension.  According to Freud, the id tries to resolve the tension created by the pleasure principle through the primary process, which involves forming a mental image of the desired object as a way of satisfying the need.  This image can take the form of a dream, hallucination, fantasy, or delusion.  However, problems also result from using the primary process to dissipate the energy of the id. The primary process has no way to distinguish between the fantasy image and reality. So while the primary process can be used to temporarily reduce tension, it is only effective in the short-term. Your mental image of the food you are craving will only satisfy you for so long. Eventually, the tension will return when needs go unfulfilled.

The ego operates based on the reality principle, which strives to satisfy the id’s desires in realistic and socially appropriate ways.  The ego also discharges tension created by unmet impulses through the secondary process, in which the ego tries to find an object in the real world that matches the mental image created by the id’s primary process.

4:37 pm … Sidetracked again??? Lol  I really need to work on how I am going to slice out MY TIME  and keep it as exactly as that …. MY TIME.


About zappedin2008

In 2008, at age 50, my life was turned upside down and inside out with diagnosis of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of childhood trauma endured as a result of events/experiences with my Mother who was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia when I was age 2. I believe in the power of support and hope to connect with others to share experiences, ideas for recovery, etc. as we make this journey.
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2 Responses to Daily Journal – As outspoken as I am why is it so hard to just say NO

  1. jefairgrieve says:

    Hi, Zapped! Jean F. here. I was especially drawn (not a pun!) to what you said about drawing. I’ve found that the right-left dialog exercise is especially useful for discovering what may be bothering you at those times when something bothers you but you are not sure what that something is. Also, though, I’ve discovered that using oil pastels–these are cheap and contain beautiful colors–to make pictures of what you try to express at a pre-verbal level really helps sometimes.

    In fact, when I began my work this time in therapy three years ago, I intuitively started drawing with the oil pastels to show my therapist what had happened to me when I was a small child. My therapist is not an art therapist, but she appreciated my drawings because she realized that this was the only way I could express certain things. So you might try to follow your instincts here and resume your attempts to draw without being critical. The drawings don’t need to be “art,” but they are most valuable because they express your feelings and thoughts at a stage where words don’t work. They are just one way of externalizing what has been trapped inside your mind for so long. If they help you help yourself, then they are more valuable than the most valuable Rembrandt.

    And you will know what your pictures are telling you! In fact, for me, the pictures have served as a bridge that links the nonverbal to the verbal. Very helpful, in my experience! If you look at my website (www.jfairgrieve.com), you will find some of these drawings on a few pages. They are primitive, but I’m not ashamed of them. They certainly have helped me give information to my therapist and they have also helped me understand myself.

    Keep on truckin’, Zapped. It’s worth the effort. Jean

  2. Genuinely complimenting others really shuts the inner critic up and increases self acceptance. It doesn’t work is it’s phony, though.

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