My Daily Journal – There are no Coincidences, Everything Happens for a Reason

3/05/2013 4:18 am So MUCH INNER TURMOIL

(interesting … just fyi I did manage to journal yesterday early before I had to leave to accompany my daughter to a support hearing in Delaware and it was titled “Dysfunction breeds Dysfunction”.  Initially I was upset at myself for saving TODAY on top of that but if you are someone who believes that everything happens for a reason  like I do, I feel as though it is more reaffirmation of where I am headed.. )

My anticipated projection of a situation is usually much worse but not today.  My daughter was 45 min late getting here which of course meant we arrived at the court house in Delaware at 9:15 am and her hearing was at 8:30 am.  Having lived there for several years we did have someone arranged to watch my 4 yr old granddaughter but she is a good friend of my youngest daughter (not the mother of granddaughter) and she was willing to call out of work but I didn’t want her to do that because I honestly did not know how the court would respond to the late arrival.  She did call Family Court and they told her to come in which left me and my granddaughter riding the escalators up and down 2 flights for 1 -1/2 hrs which honestly delighted her to no end and therefore me as well.  In the end the Father did not show, nor did she need to show, but we were got there and that part is over.

Somewhat of a challenge because of how depleted I was but I kept reminding myself it was only for a day.  She is such a delight, she makes it easy to stay in today and appreciate the smallest of things.  All children have this capability, it is just who they are.  Having missed some of this because of my horrible childhood allows me to do this for the first time.  From the little one’s behavior, I can tell that her emotional problems are worsening and this has been apparent since early summer.   While overall things are much better with my Daughter, they are still not where they need to be for the sake of the little one.  Also, my daughter has only had primary physical custody for a little over a year (I had primary physical custody and we had shared legal custody since Sept 2010, when my granddaughter was 20 mos old, to Sept 2011.  They both lived with me from Sept 2011 thru Dec 2011).

Bedtime is when her “chitter chatter” begins.  It is so heartbreaking for me.   As of right now, my daughter is in no relationship, but the damages from all the very destructive (and at times violent relationships) are still taking their toll on my little granddaughter.  At this point I’ve been telling my Daughter that the little one needs therapy and it is closely coming to the point where I will just arrange it, as I did before.  I still have shared legal custody and have that right.  As the little one chitter chatters before going to sleep she talks of her loneliness in the morning because Mommy won’t get up with her.  I love my daughter to no end.  There is no love like a Mother’s love BUT I was always stay true to me, a very much a person of principle.  I am aware that because my Daughter has emotional and physical ailments and because of medications she is not able to get up, even when you try to get her up.  Although this problem has been there at least since she was in middle school.

Interesting, I was feeling very confused and caught in the middle, but as I type this the answer becomes clearer and clearer.  My daughter has filed a petition to regain full primary and legal custody of her daughter and I expect there to be a conference in April.  All I can do is stand up for what I believe and let the rest unfold as it should.  Of course I would love to be just a grandmother and of course I love my daughter and don’t want to do anything to hurt her  and those are all personal goals and values I have but at the deepest part of me is standing up for what I believe is right.

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About zappedin2008

In 2008, at age 50, my life was turned upside down and inside out with diagnosis of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of childhood trauma endured as a result of events/experiences with my Mother who was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia when I was age 2. I believe in the power of support and hope to connect with others to share experiences, ideas for recovery, etc. as we make this journey.
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