3/03/2013 8:46 Lack of Sleep & Exhaustion will Darken the Picture for even the healthy ones.
Horrible night, went to bed at 10 pm exhausted and heavy with depression but didn’t sleep well at all which was somewhat surprising since I was carrying the weight of those feelings of just wanting to crawl under the covers all day. In fact I didn’t have any nightmares or flashbacks because I was awake every 2 hours and sometimes had to get up.
As soon as I woke up I was thinking about our Veterans, how sad I feel that they are the ones, along with their families, who put it all on the line for us. I did manage to turn the radio on, made coffee, and got outside for some air. I’m immediately aware that I’m not being very “mindful” because these moments are usually somewhat “grounding” for me that I’m still very much here, part of the universe, and not just a person confined to her home because of this illness. I usually enjoy the air and take time to do some deep breathing with fresh air and notice my surrounding and listening and observing. I even saw a tiny bird perched on the step in front of me, again I would usually enjoy this but instead my mind was still racing with all these thoughts and ideas I was having as a result of my ongoing sadness and frustration that there MUST BE SOMETHING I CAN DO for them, our suffering veterans. I came in and immediately delved into writing a letter to them. So here I am an hour and half later realizing that this it is not an emergency; that I really need to follow on with my daily plan, especially since this is pretty normal for me. I suppose because of this constant state of hyper vigilance, I have a thought or idea and will go off on a tangent only to realize days later that it was not realistic. I need to start just jotting these ideas down, which I did on a separate page, let some time pass and if it hangs true for some time then act on it.
So even now another reason to be following a “Daily Maintenance List”. So I checked my list and went in to brush my teeth and was my face. Horrible experience, especially in the morning when I look in the mirror and see how worn, rugged, and exhausted I look pretty matching what I feel on this inside. feeling like a failure, I know these are those damn negative voices … inner critic, outer critic … whoever they are. I’m doing the BEST I can. Those dang voices and how HARD I WORK to “replace the tapes” also have led me to wanting to heal from my past and remove them along with toxic shame. Since doing the self-guided program to help develop my emotional awareness and intelligence I am becoming very aware of all the feelings that I experience as a result of my childhood past. At first it didn’t seem like much at all; for example, one of the two bulbs went out in the kitchen and because of that program it caused me to stop and pause at the uncomfortableness I was feeling at the time. As I sat with the feeling I realized it had to do with coming home from school every day. Afraid to turn the door handle and not knowing what was behind the door and if I entered and it was dark inside that was a red flag that my Mother was not in a good state of mind. Not too long ago I would have felt that uncomfortableness and immediately reacted and replaced the bulb even if it meant taking it from another room. The feelings are become much more intense now and I am KEENLY AWARE of how often that feeling of abandonment is triggered. Many times I see “fear of abandonment” and maybe it is … the bottom line I was emotionally deprived as a small child, all alone and abandoned. Now everything seems to cause that feeling …. In fact I now want to immediately log into the computer and go find someone somewhere to connect with but unfortunately first thing in the morning is also when I am at my worst and I am often triggered negatively by a post or news on the internet. I would love to do a “crash heeling from my past” but I am smart enough to know it doesn’t work that way. I need to find a way to slow this journey down a bit so that I can still find and enjoy some moments in each day, one of which could be my last? (just to clarify as a result of “life” and nothing that I would do)
On to my next thing. Practicing gratitude thru the book “The Magic” and Light Therapy.