My Daily Journal – It’s been a very dark couple of days

3/02/2013 7:31 a.m. It has been a very dark couple of days … I did write something on Thursday.

I’ve been in a dark empty place … horrible feeling and so alone. For me loneliness is about not feeling connected.

The last time I felt like this is with my most recent “ex” 7 yrs ago and I just looked at him and thought “Who the hell are you?” and he hadn’t even relapsed yet but I’ve learned since that the relapse happens long before they pick up

As I’m doing “inner child” work trying to let that little girl know it is safe to come out now because NOBODY is going to hurt you ever again … of course I expect to be pain and THERE IS but hearing others describe it … keep what you want and discard the rest??? I thought it would happen a little more smoothly. It doesn’t feel that way It feels that freaking scary to me that if I could I would craw out of my skin and just be an observer of this how healing process and then out of know where I thought “Crap … what if I don’t like this person? The real me.”

I totally know what it feels like to not be comfortable in my own skin but it has always been because of something really negative. I don’t have really any negative thoughts just thoughts of “Who the hell are you”. Amnesia where I remember everybody and everything except myself. Scary place

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I’m still in a very dark empty space and there is only one thing to do is push forward …..

It absolutely makes sense that “walking thru pain” is going to hurt but knowing that doesn’t seem to help to know what to do.  It is easy to journal but I get tired of writing the same old crap everyday … somehow putting it on paper makes it more real.  Maybe I need to… hmm think about that one, a change may be needed to what I journal about when I am in such a dark space for days in a row.

Also very aware that I need to be using my daily plan …. HOW HARD CAN THAT BE????  DUH.  I didn’t even have the radio on for 3 days?  Music helps me more than anything … it helps to increase mood to desired and I have this innate need to connect music or something to what I am feeling before I can release it …. ((sigh)) my life is so exhausting right now.  Push forward and just do it. 

So I’ve spent some time today “tweaking” my daily plan and will keep doing so until I am comfortable with it.  It just makes sense to me on so many levels.

 

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  • It’s not just child who need consistency and what to expect but also me.
  • Because I am not working it helps me to establish a routine and “sense of order”
  • Forces me to do the things and a reminder of what I need to do.
  • Lack of chaos

I also started reading the book “The Magic” after sitting on it for a couple of weeks.

So I stayed out of bed and did some good things but very ready to settle in and crawl under the covers.  The weight of this depression is so heavy.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m still in a very dark empty space and there is only one thing to do is push forward …..

It absolutely makes sense that “walking thru pain” is going to hurt but knowing that doesn’t seem to help to know what to do.  It is easy to journal but I get tired of writing the same old crap everyday … somehow putting it on paper makes it more real.  Maybe I need to… hmm think about that one, a change may be needed to what I journal about when I am in such a dark space for days in a row.

Also very aware that I need to be using my daily plan …. HOW HARD CAN THAT BE????  DUH.  I didn’t even have the radio on for 3 days?  Music helps me more than anything … it helps to increase mood to desired and I have this innate need to connect music or something to what I am feeling before I can release it …. ((sigh)) my life is so exhausting right now.  Push forward and just do it. 

So I’ve spent some time today “tweaking” my daily plan and will keep doing so until I am comfortable with it.  It just makes sense to me on so many levels.

·         It’s not just child who need consistency and what to expect but also me.

·         Because I am not working it helps me to establish a routine and “sense of order”

·         Forces me to do the things and a reminder of what I need to do.

·         Lack of chaos

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About zappedin2008

In 2008, at age 50, my life was turned upside down and inside out with diagnosis of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of childhood trauma endured as a result of events/experiences with my Mother who was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia when I was age 2. I believe in the power of support and hope to connect with others to share experiences, ideas for recovery, etc. as we make this journey.
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One Response to My Daily Journal – It’s been a very dark couple of days

  1. jefairgrieve says:

    Hi, ,Zapped–
    Jean here. Sounds like you are having a really rough time. You have a lot of support from readers like me, so please keep on truckin’. When I was in your position, I had my own solution. If you wish, I will share it with you–but only if you wish. For each of us, help comes in a different form, so I will not pretend to give you advice as to how you can help yourself. One size does not fit all. You are in my prayers. Just know that. Jean

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