My Daily Journal – Prayers for Tianna, Hoping for the Best, Preparing for the Worst

2/26/2013 6:15 a.m.

My heart, body, mind, and soul are filled with my 4 yr old granddaughter this morning.  This morning I go with my daughter to take her to see the hematologist about her high blood platelet count.  I’ve been praying and hoping for the best but today is the day that I bear down and prepare for the worst.  Very tense, I can feel  something wanting to come out, some of that is normal just because I will be leaving my home but I am very aware of something my body is holding back on, all the tension in my back.

It is while I continue to believe that, for me anyway, there is something deeper going on than suppressing emotions or what all “experts” have told me is that I “shut down.

For some reason my heart is heavy with all the children out there right now suffering as a result of some form of child abuse

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About zappedin2008

In 2008, at age 50, my life was turned upside down and inside out with diagnosis of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of childhood trauma endured as a result of events/experiences with my Mother who was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia when I was age 2. I believe in the power of support and hope to connect with others to share experiences, ideas for recovery, etc. as we make this journey.
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3 Responses to My Daily Journal – Prayers for Tianna, Hoping for the Best, Preparing for the Worst

  1. Dear Zapped,
    When I read this post, the words that resonated with me were ” I can feel something wanting to come out.” I’m involved in ego state therapy, one therapy modality that helps get a person ready to do EMDR. As a result of being involved in this therapy, I’ve gotten to know when the ego states or parts of my personality “come out.” It’s nothing to fear, and for people with C-PTSD, fragmented ego states are pretty common. The object is to bring some sort of harmony to the ego state system so that the person to whom all these various parts belong has more of a sense of wellbeing and is less afraid to engage in normal day-to-day activities. Doing this work has done SO MUCH for me!! I very seldom experience PTSD symptoms now, but I do have more work to do before I work with EMDR. Just the ego state work in itself, though, helps a lot! And it’s not difficult, at least I have not found it to be difficult. To learn more about Ego State Therapy, try Googling the term. I have written a little about it on my website (www.jfairgrieve.com), but you can find lots of material about it on the Internet.

    And my prayers are with you at this difficult time. Please let us know how your granddaughter is and how you are. Hugs . . . Jean

    • zappedin2008 says:

      Thank You Jean. My granddaughter is doing okay but thank you for asking. While the specialist at Hershey’s Children’s Hospital agree the platelet count is a little high it is certainly not in the millions as he is accustomed to seeing with his young cancer patients. He is concerned enough though with the count and the headaches that seem to have started in July 2012 and are increasingly worse. He did a thorough check out of her and at this point wants her on Allegra for one month and then to bring her back. He could tell by feeling her lymph nodes and a few other things that she has been a sick a lot but he believes this to be allergy related and hoping that if she takes the Allegra every day, not just when she is visibly uncomfortable that many of her symptoms will disappear. If not then time for some testing including an MRI, for a 4 yr old involves putting them to sleep. His words as we left … Best scenario is this is allergies and will all disappear but worse case scenario Brain Tumor but there is not enough there to believe that is what it is. He was so cavalier as he said that but he was very good with my daughter and my granddaughter so I suspect this has to do with his line of work … treating children with cancer. How humbling.

      As for the ego state therapy. Yes I agree. I’ve known for a while that I needed to do some inner child work but when I saw your blog I felt the connection to do the work you described. I have been on Social Security Disability for 4 yrs now and a copay of 35% is much higher than $15 while I still had private insurance. Of course I can’t use the therapist I was seeing for almost 3 yrs since she is not under Medicare but I am looking for a new one but I first have to come up with the funds which means at least some kind of part time work to cover it. In the meantime I have plenty of work I can do. I’ve been using a wonderful site called HelpGuide.org and specifically some tools to help tune in to my body and identify feelings and what they are connected to. I also read the Homecoming: Reclaiming your Inner Child quite a few years ago so I’ve been doing some self nurturing to that little girl inside of me, giving her what she never got. I’m currently looking around for a doll although the dolls today have stiffer exteriors than I do, lol. Thank you for the comments and concern. Always glad for reaffirmation of where I’m going and even more importantly to know that others care ❤

      • Thank you for updating me, Zapped. My prayers are with you, your daughter, and that wonderful little girl. Addressing you as Zapped doesn’t feel good to me, but I can understand if you don’t want your name to appear. I looked to see if you used your name anywhere, and couldn’t find it.

        Yes, I well understand about the difficulty of finding a therapist when you are on Medicare. Not many therapists here in the Portland, Oregon, area take Medicare. I was just lucky to find a good one who does. Obviously, she’s not in the profession to get rich! And I’m lucky to be a state retiree and have good back-up insurance. That helps, too. If you are on the East Coast, you may eventually find what you need, though. I hope you keep looking.

        I’ve had something like 16 therapists. Of those, only two have had the intuition and the know-how to really help me. Some have been incredibly bad! Others have just helped me stay afloat. I’m stubborn and persevering, and I don’t give up easily. I have grandkids, too, as you do, and I’ve felt the need to do this work so I can enjoy them to the fullest. So just keep looking. You are a lot younger than I am, and you have a lot more life left to live. So the struggle to find adequate help is worth the effort and the agony.

        And it IS agony at times! We know that. Those horrible times when the triggers set off so much pain and all that stress response, as if everything is happening in the “now” when it’s really happening in the “then.” I’m learning to separate now from then, but it’s taking me a while. This is a big part of what therapy is for me, however, and I need to learn how to identify triggers as triggers and then reason out the whole mess so I respond to the “now.” I’m auditory, and I am triggered by content, tone, volume, pitch, and all the other components of voice and message, and I can easily get thrown back into the pit, but I’m learning.

        Hang in there! Here’s my e-mail address if you ever want it: jeanfairgrieve15@gmail.com. I’ll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers . . . Jean

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