My Daily Journal – Nobody knows me better than I do

2/24/2013 8:35 a.m.

Well I’m up and moving.   I know I had at least 2 flashbacks but snapped out of it quickly so I don’t remember.  That doesn’t happen often.  Maybe it’s become I’m in a rage right now.  My hands are shaking and my entire body is stiff … like when I was 21 and in an auto accident.  It has taken me almost a week to get through 11 pages of Pete Walker’s “Emotional Neglect and Complex PTSD” and I’m so angry right now at many people but especially the “experts” all the Psychiatrists and Therapists out there that think they just know everything.   Right now I want to walk up the street and punch my doctor in the face and demand a refund for all the sessions where he would try to insist that I was “this or that”.  I thank my Father, whether genetic or learned, for always being able to think out of the square, not thinking in black and white terms, for being able to differentiate between facts and opinions, for being so honest and forthright and being able to stand up and speak my mind and not let anyone talk me into anything that is not true or there is no evidence that it is true.

Even Sigmund Freud, whose work I admire and respect tremendously, is still limited to his knowledge and experiences, and NO ONE is exactly like me, we are all unique as individuals and with what we’ve been through.

The one aspect that seems to set me apart from what the “experts” seem to think I am is that

–   I became a caretaker at age 5, when my brother was born and also because of requests from my Father.  At such a young age this feels as though it is part of the “innate me”.  Even now after years and years of therapy and reading I still have to fight off what feels to be a reflex to look after others first.

–   As I work thru my trauma and start to try to connect with these emotions that came flooding in with the Complex PTSD I’m always looking to identify when “I shut down” and maybe I never “shut down”?  You can’t shut down what was there is the first place.

As described in Pete Walker’s writing about “Emotional Neglect and Complex PTSD”

Abandonment Stultifies Emotional and Relational Intelligence

I relate to this completely Emotional intelligence and its cohort, relational intelligence, never get to develop, and children never learn that a relationship with a healthy person can become an irreplaceable source of comfort and enrichment. Moreover, the appropriate management of the normal emotions that recurrently arise in significant relationships is never modeled for them. Emotional intelligence about the healthy and functional aspects of anger, sadness, and fear lies fallow. Moreover the receptor sites for receiving love and caring from others often lay dormant and undeveloped. I cannot relate to this at all Emotionally abandoned children often devolve into experiencing all people as dangerous, no matter how benign or generous they may in fact be. Anyone can automatically trigger the grown-up child into the deeply grooved patterns of perfectionism and endangerment engendered by their parents. Love coming their way reverberates threateningly on a subliminal level. If, from their perspective, they momentarily “trick” someone into seeing them as loveable, they fear that this forbidden prize will surely be taken away the minute their social perfectionism fails and unmasks some normal flaw or foible.

This last part whether it was because I became a caretaker so young or maybe I got “enough of what a child needs” from my Father or others?  I just know it does not fit.

The other thing that is becoming increasingly more aware is that I need a schedule and need to try to follow and tweak it.  Recalling what I know of what the schedule brings for a child by offering consistency and what to expect next … also I can’t just float thru the day, I get sidetracked.  I’m glad that journaling is done first.  It is when I am most upset and tuned into what is going on with me.





About zappedin2008

In 2008, at age 50, my life was turned upside down and inside out with diagnosis of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of childhood trauma endured as a result of events/experiences with my Mother who was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia when I was age 2. I believe in the power of support and hope to connect with others to share experiences, ideas for recovery, etc. as we make this journey.
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