Who am I? Age 30 to 35

Who am I? From age 30 to 35 …  Sept of 1987 thru Sept 1993

The beginning of my discovery of who I am … dysfunctional and overly responsible and caretaker?

Pillar of strength of the family?  Letting go of dreams and grieving over what would never be?

___________________________________________________________________________

I’ll call this my period of Discovery with Hope

He had cheated and I made him leave and I agreed to reconcile on the condition we got into marriage counseling.  This was my first real experience with therapy and of course in my head I was going BECAUSE of HIM.  I still remember that huge chart on the back of his door.  The one where we mapped out relationships with biological family and each other.  It seemed like forever before he started “real counseling” and then when he did!!!  He started identifying things with ME????? I wasn’t the problem (so I though) I was the perfect Mom, Wife, Daughter, Employee etc.  When he started using words like “dysfunctional” and “roles” man did I get UPSET and darted out that door like a canon.  I think I actually accused him of taking a bribe from my deceased ex.

I did go back and it was hard to face initially.  The realization that I had not “miraculously” escaped my childhood untarnished?  When my dreams and heart started to crumbled to the ground but not all at once.  It didn’t save our marriage but it save me as I can’t imagine trying to cope and learn all of this stuff at one time.  I was glad we reconciled I had my youngest.

It was the first therapist to ask me if I thought I was Jesus?  He brought to my attention that all my behaviors of how I saw others and interacted with others was very unhealthy and distorted. Children are not meant to become caretakers  at the age of 5 (this is when my brother was born).

He identified that what he saw was I was the pillar of strength in our family.  The Mother of my brother and in some cases even my Father.  How wildly bizarre and strange is that????  SO  at age 5 a caretaker.  But then at some point, when my Mother accused my Father and I of being in cahoots and talking code because we both coughed at the same time then I really became lonely because in order to keep her calm he just did what was needed.  So she already identified me to be the Devil when I was young what did that make me?

Dan (the therapist) was also the one who helped me to understand that just because my Mother exited at age 16 did not mean that we could now just “wipe the slate clean and be a “real” family and somehow establish a healthy Father-Daughter relationship.  It was a very difficult time as he helped to make sense of that because I was able to stop expecting and then being very upset … it did take quite a bit of time to grieve that one though.  More dreams shattered more broken heart.  All that time I would spend lying in bed thinking “Someday ……”

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About zappedin2008

In 2008, at age 50, my life was turned upside down and inside out with diagnosis of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of childhood trauma endured as a result of events/experiences with my Mother who was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia when I was age 2. I believe in the power of support and hope to connect with others to share experiences, ideas for recovery, etc. as we make this journey.
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2 Responses to Who am I? Age 30 to 35

  1. seagreen415 says:

    I can relate to your comment about your therapist asking if you thought you were Jesus. I truly believe that those of us who have suffered tremendously at the hands of others are at the very least spiritual soulmates of the Lord. I can’t speak for you, but I have had Divine Epiphanies that have helped me to understand the reason for certain experiences in my life. My reason is for personal spiritual growth. Without the pain, I might have ended up like so many selfish people I see in life. No empathy. Greedy. Selfish. Gossipy. Materialistic. Fame whores. Mean Spirited. I am far from perfect and have made my share of mistakes, but I have learned from mistakes whereas so many people on the planet have not.

    I have also been granted what I call miracles. What else can it be but a miracle to be re-united with a beloved person unheard from for the past thirty years, only to realize that this was the person I have been searching for for a lifetime? The person who set the bar that nobody else could measure up to? Then to, miraculously, move directly across the street from where you first met? Coincidence? I don’t think so. There is a grand design and patterns are easy to see if you look hard enough.

    God bless, spiritual sister. Hope your healing journey is filled with miracles and amazing insight!

  2. zappedin2008 says:

    Oh I SO agree and love most of Albert Einstein’s work but at the moment thinking of “Either everything is a miracle or nothing is a miracle”. Like you I agree that everything does happen for a reason although when I share this sentiment many times I am confronted with many who disagree because of their/our personal stories for abuse, neglect, and suffering. I just try to validate them as yes of course it is so tragic to gone thru this stuff …. but if it opens us up to a world that most will never experience. I believe that because of the pain endured our capacity to feel and appreciate things happens at a much higher and detailed lever. Besides it happened and its over we can either choose to either embrace or to be filled with resentments an hatred.

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