My Daily Journal – Every Day is like the movie “Groundhog Day”

2/24/2013 7:44 a.m.  Very rough morning.  Been awake since 6 and just lying there not wanting to get up and actually praying in my head to God to please don’t make me do another day of this.   1 hr 44 minutes of arguing with myself.  It’s so hard.  Other than the fear that comes with going to bed I’m usually in a somewhat decent space, replacing the tapes, finding good in the day and then it all gets wiped out in the night when the demons come and I have to start over again.  I wish someone would invent a bed ejector.  Last night the biggest T of all traumas and not once but twice.  Almost like I’m getting better and better at “coming to” and soothing and back to sleep and here it comes again as though the nightmare with flashbacks had “unfinished business”.  Cleaning up all that blood L.  God Dad what were you thinking to make me do that over and over again although I guess I always looked up to it since I never showed emotion or it got to the point where he didn’t even have to ask.  The most unsettling part was waking up and she was back home???? WTF.  She must have been doing so really smooth talking to get him to agree to make up a story.  I never wanted more to open my mouth as I did that morning but I never did.  Why? Nobody ever told me not to speak.  Well she did.  What am I supposed to do with this one … comfort that child?  On conscience level still can’t tap into the emotions of that but because of what it does to my body I’m sure if and when it does present itself it will be ugly.  I guess I should have thought about that when I started working on emotions that once I start making sense of them there is no “OFF” button to stop them from coming or rather from identifying what they are about.  Geez and they say kids are so resilient, what kind of b.s. is that?????  I don’t really have anything else to say or maybe I just am tired of saying it.  Same shit different day.  Not liking the person I am becoming AT ALL and if there was ever a time that I could do as most people do and just “Portray” myself and talk like the person I would like to be instead of the person that I am it is NOW.  Just feels to fake and not possible for me to do even though I clearly see the negativity.   I know I’ve been thinking about my Dad a lot …. Wishing he was closer, 1000 miles is just too far away.  I would love to be able to go and just sit and talk with him for a little and pop in and see him.  Or maybe I’m grieving something I never got???  I don’t think so I worked through all that pain in my 30’s when I learned about the dynamics of relationships.  I agree that knowledge is power but at some point it also becomes TMI..

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About zappedin2008

In 2008, at age 50, my life was turned upside down and inside out with diagnosis of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of childhood trauma endured as a result of events/experiences with my Mother who was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia when I was age 2. I believe in the power of support and hope to connect with others to share experiences, ideas for recovery, etc. as we make this journey.
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